The other day I received an email from a fellow named Timothy Sellers of the band Artichoke. He wanted to see if I might be interested in reviewing his bands album called “Bees”. I said sure. What could it hurt. He mailed off a CD for me to listen to. It must be said before my review that the last album or CD I have bought was Guns and Roses last recording, Chinese Democracy, a true stink festival of music that should not have seen the light of day. I fully expected “Bees” to be as good as that or any form of Christian Rock and Roll music used in those “hip” teen church services. It sounds like music but is just as bland and tasteless to the ears as a generic .25 cent can of fake Coke.
Arriving in the mail box a few days later I ripped off the mailing package and looked at the box. First impressions are important to me and it was nice to see a real CD in a case with nice graphics and not some hand scrawled note of “Listen To This” sticky noted to a generic Panasonic 750MB data cd. So far so good. Driving to the bee yard was a perfect time to listen to this album. How was it?
Pretty darned good. Instead of music engineered for a Raffi concert I heard real music with real love and heart packed into it. These guys were not just singing flim flam songs about bees with touchy feely vocals and healf hearted strumming of the guitar. They believed everything they were pouring out of the speakers. From listening to the lyrics you get the feeling that at least one of the band members has bees because their lyrics spoke truth to the biology and the behavior of Apis Mellifera.
This album is just fun to listen to, more so if you happen to bee a beekeeper and can understand the inside the hive humor. If I had to label them as sounding like another band it would be hard but for the sake of the review I would say a combination of The Violent Femmes, maybe a little They Might Be Giants, The Presidents of The United States, and a dash of Weezer or The Sex Pistols. Good fun music that is catchy and should be paid for with a modest payment to Amazon or using their website found at the link below.
I give them 4 jars of honey. Of note, 5 jars of honey equals something like the greatest song in the world and has never been acquired in human history.
As stated before my bees are some spiteful little bastards. Originally I thought it might be external factors but with the re-queening of one of my friend’s hive with the same type of queens purchased for mine I can almost safely conclude it is the genetics. Weeks ago my friends hives were the vision of serenity. Easy to work with Italians that could be handled without gloves and very little smoking. The hive whose queen has been replaced has now transitioned into the House of Usher with all sorts of horrors coming from within. They exhibit the same level of tension as my hives do when its lid is opened. You can hear the thrum emanate from its core. They are just pissed off bees. The other hive of his, which still is inhabited by Italians is still mellow and nice to work with.
I now have to objectively assess what I want to do. Although my bees are not the easiest bees to work with I have to admit their population is vibrant, pulling most of the comb, and actually storing a fair quantity of honey for the winter. I am amazed with their brood patterns. They are solidly packed with eggs, larva and adults. No half-ass placement of eggs by these queens. They have the work ethic and craftsmanship of German engineers. The Italians on the other hand are not so productive. They exhibit the same level of industry as a Yugo factory. They get the work done and in theory it should work, but in the end they will probably starve to death over winter without any help.
I think I will just put up with their antics as long as they keep producing well. They may have the temperament of an angry German engineer but they do fine quality work. Maybe their horrible personality is part of the price for having bees that will survive on their own without medications or weird Rube Goldberg devices to remove the mites.
On another note, as I was working with the bees I realized how important it is for a beekeeper to be mindful in their own actions. My beekeeping mentor of old taught me a lot of what is needed in the way of mindset when working with the bees.
We have a picture in our mind that we are helping the bees and are their benefactor. With our white suit and hat and general outlook on life that I have found most beekeepers have it is easy to forget that to them we are really monsters. Basically we are like a whitely suited King Kong ham-fisting our way through their home on a bi-weekly basis. For all we know they have come up with a hive mind like mythology or religion based upon our appearance. “Oh no, the sun has risen and fallen 14 times. Now again begins the ritual sacrifice we must go through to live in such a well designed home!!! May the great White Sheet God show mercy upon us with his hands of smoke and sword!! May he only crush 200 of us unlike the last time!! Oh woe is us!!” See what I mean.
So we can either be the angry bearded old man god found in the Old Testament who wiped out cities for juggling pigs or we can be the benevolent god of peace which my Google results could not find a single one.
Comparisons
To help beekeepers become the kindly Amun-Ra of their own bees one should keep in mind several things.
1. Know exactly what you want to do before you do it. The more you move the components of your hive the more likely it is you are smashing, grinding, and de-limbing your worshipers. Every action should have a purpose. If you just want to take a look for the sake of looking your are probably going to kill some bees for your own gratification. Look because you are trying to determine something. The hives health, state of stress, mites, anything but just don’t look for the hell of it. That is what an observation hive is for.
2. When replacing hive bodies or supers I place the box at an angle compared to the other box. I then slowly rotate the boxes until they line up. Doing this helps gives the bees time to move out of the way of the oncoming wall. Just plopping the box down on top of the other so that they align right away is a sure way of crushing 10 or so bees.
3. Have the movement of a sloth or Tai-Chi master. Bees don’t like swift movements. Maybe their minds exist in another temporal space from ours but I have found that when you move quickly, like when you swat at bees, it only attracts more and seems to aggravate them.
4. When pulling the frames out. Be sure you have loosened them well and pull them out as vertically as you can. Any movement of the frame off from its 90 degree extraction will kill bees between the frames or at least increase their stress levels as they are mashed into the adjacent comb. Again go slowly as you do it.
5. When placing frames back into the hive, don’t ram them home like a railroad spike. Slowly and deliberately is the plan for the day.
6. Don’t smoke the hell out of them every five seconds. Use just a little smoke when necessary. I have seen some people just asphyxiate their bees with bellows of smoke.
7. Wait until later in the day if possible. Too early and their will be more population in the hive equaling more potential for loss of worshipers. Wait too late and the same thing happens. I usually go out between 2-5 depending on the time of year.
These are just seven lucky tips I try to keep in mind. If any of you have others please add them in the comments below.
The key is just to play it smart, be deliberate in everything you do, and try to keep your bees less agitated. The more agitated they become the greater the chance they will find their location too much of a hassle and swarm to some place less inhabited by the angry bee gods.
