Probably one of the worst movies I have ever seen about bees.  Was that Reese Witherspoon’s first role?

Probably one of the best movies I have seen about bees.

Honeybees and cinema can be a deadly combination, but if done just right it can make for a great movie.

I believe there is a certain ratio of bees to movie time that is the determinant factor for the success or failure of the movie.  If the movie is 90% bees and 10% everything else the movie is sure to fall like a rock in a vacuum.  But if the movie is primarily about the people and the bees are tangential to the story than the likelihood of success multiplies.

To prove my point just look at some of the movies listed below.

1. Ulee’s Gold.  Good movie and a good story.  Honeybees are not the primary focus of the movie.

2. The Secret Life of Bees.  Again the bees are only an aspect of the story.

3. The Bee Movie.  This movie is technically about honeybees but they are so anthropomorphized that it is really a human story with honeybees as fill ins for actors. Think about that movie if it portrayed honeybees for how they really act.  Can you imagine the critical acclaim it would have received if all of the drones were thrown out of the hive at the end of the year to starve to death.  Granted, seeing the Seinfeld character bemoan his situation as he froze to death in the snow might be a laugh for us but children would probably not understand.

4. The Great Santini: Another great movie where the bees play a small but vital role.

And then we get movies like the one seen at the top. The bees are portrayed more ridiculously than the human characters.  This is usually what comes from made for TV movies.  Crap plot, B-grade special effects, and community theater actors getting their first big break.

If you know of any other Bee-Movies please list them here. Good or bad.

Sometimes the beekeeping gods deal you a 7-2 off.  Your neighbor is just a plain jerk. Your house sits across from a DOW chemical plant. Or, rednecks like to shoot double ought buck shot into your hives during the opening day of hunting season. Whatever the case may be, the ancient call still permeates within  you to keep bees no matter what the consequences.

Sometimes this requires you to open up the Beekeeper’s Guerrilla Guide to Keeping Bees. When the deck is stacked against you, you either have to bend like the reed and work with the problem or begin RC modeling in place of apiculture.

Chapter 1 of the GGtKB states that when operating in the “bush”, evasion is your first line of defense.  This is because you can never always be with your hives.  At some point you will have to go home to your family for dinner and a bath and your hives will have to fend for themselves.  How they fare depends on how much preparation you have put into your evasion methodology.  This can be broken down into several aspects.

1. Where are your hives situated? Hives sitting right out in the open no more than 30 feet off the road is liking taping a “KICK ME” sign on the front of it. As the saying goes, “out of sight, out of mind.”  If you can see it from your driveway, so can Bubba with his lifted pickup truck with 50 inch mudders.  Move your hives  behind an object that removes it from the view-shed of the road.  Behind your house is a good place to start if you have a large enough property to work with.
2. If not than you will need to improvise.  Go to your local gardening store and buy some shrubbery and create a hedge line separating the hives from the view of the road.  Remember to get plants that are tall enough and will grow thick enough to block the view.  This also has the added benefit of creating a wind break to shield your hives from the cold winds of winter.
3. Paint your hives something other than a bright white.  Try to use light or pastel colored greens. Don’t use dark paints especially if  your hives encounter a lot of direct sun for they will be more likely to overheat.  The lighter pastel tones will still be noticeable but not as much as white.  Plus in combination with with shrubbery, the effect will be improved.
4. If you are a carpenter, build your own hive boxes that don’t look live beehives.  Be sure to build your hive box using dimensions in accordance  to the principals of Bee Space.  This website actually sells bee hives that don’t look exactly like beehives. Hide Hives
5. When you are working out in the field maybe wear something other than a pure white jump suit.  This guy here might have the right idea.
6. Back in the 80’s there were plenty of army/navy surplus stores.  If you are lucky enough you may still  find  camouflage netting.  Used traditionally to drape over tanks or half-tracks to hide them from the enemy, these can be used to cover the public facing side of your apiary provided they are all clustered together.
7. Build a trellis wall around your hives and plant nice plants with it.  To anyone driving by they will initially think what a beautiful bit of landscaping they are seeing rather than destroying your hives.
8. Lastly, Punji traps.  Stagger the holes surrounding your apiary in a carefully laid out random pattern.  Inside place sharpened bamboo spears for your trespassers to impale themselves on. If you have access to poison frogs, carefully wipe the spear tips along the frogs skin a few times.  Be sure to map out your locations so your friends and family don’t fall in. JUST KIDDING.

These are just a few things you can do to improve the surviability of your bee hives.  We will have to leave bears to another article.

Guerrilla beekeeping involves knowing your enemy and how they think. It is sad that there are people out there who have nothing better to do than tipping over beehives but it is a fact we have to deal with.

People’s eyes either light up with delight or furrow in thought as they think of an excuse to not help you out in the apiary. My wife, a credit to her soul, is always up for  trying something new at least once.  And one of those instances was when I requested her help in the bee yard.

I did not really need much help but I thought I could introduce her to the wonderful world of beekeeping and get her hooked.

The weekend was perfect, late September, and not a cloud in the sky.  We rolled up close to the hives in my car and unloaded the equipment.  At the time I did not have an extra suit and I assured Nina that she would not need to get too close to the hive.  While I was preparing for everything I asked her to take the two 1 gallon pails to my uncles house and fill them up with a 2:1 ratio of sugar to water.  I wanted to give my bees a little extra help for their winter larder.

While she was away I smoked the entrances of the hives to get them to settle a bit and then began the inspection of them.  I am sure I was thinking to myself, “This is going to be great! My own wife will become my first student to beekeeping and she will eventually want some hives of her own.  Beekeeping will become a great Bellavance family tradition.”

When Nina came back carrying the two buckets I had her place them down next to the car and I motioned her to come over. I showed her the layout of the hive and explained some of the basic fundementals concerning keeping the bees.  Special importance was placed on being gentle and knowing exactly what you wanted to do before starting.

After about 30 minutes we were done and I began to close up the hive.  With almost everything stacked I began the last step of closing the hives by inverting the sugar water pails over the inner cover.  That was when the Johnstown sugar flood of Bellavance Apiaries, colony #2, took place.

I had forgotten to check to see if Nina had firmly placed the lids on the sugar water pails.  As a result, a torrent of sugar water plunged into the heart of the hive and created a deluge of disaster from out of the entrance.  Hundreds of bees were ejected from the front like miniature Hawaiians surfing a 30 foot set at Pipeline.  A second later thousands of bees exploded out of the front of the hive and began swarming around with a determined effort to find the god-like being who had wrecked havoc upon their world.  Luckily I was in my bee suit.  Unlucky for Nina for she was only wearing some jeans and fleece pullover.  To the bees she probably looked like a blue bear because they went after her with vigilance.  Nina began the ever so popular bee dance and ran for the hills with arms waving and swatting at the hive minded horde.

Amazingly she did not suffer one single sting.  Her hair was displaced and demeanor a bit heightend but other than that everything was OK.  In my mind the dreams of having my better half helping me into old age burned like the Hindenburg.  It’s been 10 years since and I have yet to ask her again.